On this page I use the term "American" to
describe the United States, and its citizens.
(In actual fact ALL of the people of all of the Americas, both north and south, are
American!)
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I am not REALLY anti-American (I don't hate the country
or its people, but I have never been
a fan of its foreign policy, least of all now with the esteemed
"Saint George" holding the reins - or is he?)...
You won't find any discussion of "matters political"
on this page (I leave that to people who don't mind getting tons of
hate mail from the many blinkered, or just plain blind, U.S. citizens.). |
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What you will find here are a few sardonic,
sarcastic and as-seen-from-a-Canadian-perspective snippets poking
fun at our
neighbours (note the PROPER spelling) to the south...
If you are Canadian I'm sure you'll get a good
chuckle out of at least some of these.
Ditto the above IF you are an American with a sense
of humour. |
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And if you are an American who can't laugh at your foibles as seen
through the eyes of the rest of the world then, in the words of Monty Python, "Just piss
off..."
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Rick Mercer (of This Hour Has 22 Minutes fame)
can always be trusted to come up with the funny side of our
eternal love-hate relationship with the U.S. |
Here is his Apology to Americans...
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for
that I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
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I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
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I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer
but we Feel your Pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone
knew he had weapons. |
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.
We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
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Then there's this little gem... It's ALL
TRUE - these questions were actually asked of workers at
the Banff
National Park Information Centre by (who else) American visitors! |
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: "'Elk'" Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
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6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? |
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11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields? |
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16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they? |
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21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything? |
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27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom."
Tourist: "Oh!"
(Yes, they really are ALL TRUE!)
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The "Americanized Version" of the famous
Molson Rant... |
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Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.
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I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated, and
guns settle disputes, not discussions.
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Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing.
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF, RUFF...
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack (unless I go
somewhere). |
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Burger King IS fine dining.
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE good for breakfast. |
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Washing after peeing is for LOSERS.
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
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The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
the FIRST nation of IGNORANCE, and the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my cousin, AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!! |
There WILL be more...
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